Flatulence: the accumulation of gas in the alimentary canal. In other words the stinky gas that comes out your anus at unsuitable times. Farting is quite an entertainment. Farts can clear a room, cause disgust, or bring joy. It brings me endless laughs especially when the sound breaks through silence. The act of farting is often left for the bathroom or around people you are comfortable enough to have them smell the scent of your inside. For me farts are signals indicating there is poop up ahead. The questions that I will explore today is; How soon do you break wind in the presence of your friends or significant other? Do you care if others hear you expel gas? If one rips out unannounced, do you claim the stink bomb?
In the wise words of my mother, “It is better to lose a friend than to lose a gut”. The one that birthed me is quite funny, despite her often serious mug. She will not hold in gas for anyone. Anyone. She feels it and let’s it go as gracefully as possible. At times the violent air brewing in her gut comes out as she bends to pick up an item or on her weekend travels looking for bargains in supermarkets. She leaves her sparkle everywhere she goes. I know by the trail of disgusted looks from strangers as my dear mother giggles spreading her joy through the aisles. What is amazing is that her farts barely stink. The noise is the entertaining but embarrassing aspect of the event. Sometimes I even think she farts on call (which she will deny). She just does not believe in holding it in and lets it go. You can find my sisters and I, elbowing her or giving her the look of “Mami!” to let her know we are embarrassed. I got to admit I love her boldness of just letting go shamelessly.
There are some instances which gas sneaks out your booty at the worst time. It has happened to me in elevators. I do not assume the responsibility of the unsolicited scent. No way. I just pretend I don’t even smell it. My poker face game is strong. I stick to the unofficial rule I learned in my youth, whoever farted is the one with the warm ears. You NEVER touch your ears as the rule is announced, for the culprit always checks their ears first to establish their innocence and be cleared of the offense. This rule is meant to point out the guilty. I always deny in public places. There are many other scenarios where farts are not welcomed. Classrooms, cars, crowded places, work and pretty much any enclosed space especially with strangers. The worst place in my opinion is during intimacy with your partner. Yes I am guilty, I have farted during sex. I am human and being weirdly honest here. Imagine a passionate moment in some vulnerable positions and without an invitation your ass blows like a trumpet in the marching band. You can’t deny it, you can’t hide. It’s obvious. Can’t poker face this. Well my reaction was just to laugh hysterically. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I brought the fireworks to the show, I just did not know it. Not to give too much dreaded details the rendezvous was cut short because the scent did not set the romantic mood.
Not everyone can fart in public. Kids get away with farts, as cute sounds they are learning to control. Adults do not have it so easy. I remember my little sister when she was about 4 years old, she was sitting in the front row at church. She bend to tie her shoes and farted loudly in the face of innocent church goers sitting behind us. Everyone laughed at the funny yet innocent moment. How silly was that moment even if the fart was smelly. Now I also remember when I was a young adult, I bend to pick up a box and a fart shred through my butt cheeks. My older sister heard and with a concerned yet disgusted look said “Chancha!” (pig) as she avoided me in public. As you can see farts are held to different standards depending on the scenario and the persons involved. Whether the fart has sound or it is a silent but deadly fart, there are guidelines to follow. So when are farts appropriate to unleash in front of others? In Public, never. Especially with the sensitive society we live in. Now if you are bold like my mother and could careless of the opinions of others ...fart on! This is a lesson not so often discussed. Sure your parents may speak to you about it once but do not really go into details of when to fart among friends or when should you fart in front of the person you are dating. We must not neglect fart etiquette and be mindful for the ones taking a whiff of your booty air.
I can recall the first dates between my husband and I. I was nervous as hell. My tummy was rumbling as I diverted farts trying to look attractive and maintain interesting conversations. That was hard. He was impressed but little did he know how many farts I squeezed between my butt cheeks on those dates. Little did I know that he was doing the same. We compared our experiences of the early stages of our relationship and it consisted of two people falling in love while holding in farts. Dating is stressful people, so much pressure to hold gas in. One memory we hold fondly that involves a stinky ass fart forever ingrained in our lives. We were on a date, watching a movie on the couch in my aunt’s house. Both were snuggled under a blanket in a tender embrace when a silent but deadly fart slapped our faces. It was disgusting. It was not me. I asked him if he farted and with a calm assertive face he denied the fart. One of my younger cousins was sitting across the living room. The fart was strong enough to reach her. She sweetly assumed the fart and we all laughed at the situation. Fast forward to years later, my husband confessed to me that he was guilty of the fart on that iconic day. He did not know why my cousin took the blame but he let her take it because he was embarrassed since the fart smelled so bad. I laughed because I remember the smell was so awful. Well I married the man of the fart and his farts now do not disappoint me for they are strong enough to wake me up at night.
It took me some time to fart freely in front of my husband ( I farted during sex when we were already married and it was a surprise for both of us). While we were dating I pretended to be a fart-less woman. I think the first year I was married, I would try my best to hold them in for fear it would strip me of the sexy wife image I had in my head. It took me a while to just let loose. My husband started tooting in front of me a little before we got married. He got comfortable in his farts quicker than I did. But I do not hold back now. Our room at night is a symphony of gases. It brings us chuckles of how loud they can be and how awful they can smell. We like comparing the fart smells to rotten eggs or sewage (they do stink). I only fart around him and my immediate family without any fear of judgement. I try not to fart in public. When I do, I deny my slipped farts in front of others. I try not to fart among friends and extended family. Farting is an act to be done in front of your significant other with mutual consent when the relationship is mature enough. That rule even applies to others. Believe me, farts get disgusted reactions far more often that laughs. Fart responsibly. An untimely fart may cause a punch in the face or an argument. As you travel through the correct timing to fart in front of others may the force be with you as you learn the wonderful art of when to let go.
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