No One Told Me

Life is hard. And it can be harder without a given notice. A fact that became more evident than ever after loosing my mom. I thought living without her was the only struggle to endure but no one told me about the anxiety. The aggressive disturbing grief induced anxiety that makes life even harder.

I know the circle of life process, (cue The Lion King soundtrack) we are born, we live…we die.

We all live to die as morbid as it sounds. To know everyone has an expiration date is quite concerning. Each day brings us closer to our end. While this is obvious, anxiety has made it a mission to remind me of this cruel fact consistently. I can’t “Hakuna Matata” this away.

Loosing my mom to a stupid virus that has caused so much division left me scarred. Till this day I get annoyed about the silly disagreements on vaccines, masks and mandates. I desperately need this pandemic to conclude because it has taken too much already. It took my mom and it took my patience. I have anxiety every time I hear people question if the virus is real or if they should take precautions. I have to bite my lip so I don’t explode in anger at times. I have a different perspective due to my trauma of seeing my mom’s life cut short.

I have anxiety about health. What used to be a healthy concern now is a fixated obsession to monitor my mortality and of my loved ones. Check every mole, drink herbal concoctions, eat more veggies and worry about all the what ifs. Feeling anxious about doctors, hospitals and sickness even if it’s the common cold. Paranoia about the health care industry motives and severe trust issues with medicine. Health anxiety leaves me in tears some days just thinking about the possibility of my family’s grief due to loosing another member.

Anxiety lurks greater in the evening for me. Not only stressing about every minute detail of my life but it plays the very traumatic reel of my mom’s final days. All the uncertainties and the fears of those days magnified. My heart beats loudly and the air slowly gets sucked out of the room. I feel heaviness on me that can’t be easily shaken. I cry and feel a desperation to just hug my mom. This robs me of peace and sleep. Insomnia sucks for it creates a cycle of more stress. At times I have to take meds to help me relax and sleep, nobody told me about this.

The times I do allow myself to live, to laugh, to pursue life long dreams and dare I say just be happy again are also tainted with anxiety. A guilty anxiety that reminds me that I shouldn’t be happy because I’m betraying my grief. How could I even laugh when I’m missing someone so vital in my life?!? I should be mourning her memory. I should be respectful and not even think of going to a party or enjoy vacations.

Anxiety is cruel for it punishes you even when you find reasons to smile. I didn’t know this before.

Grief is not a destination, it’s a journey. I’ve learned this in the last 5 months. I can’t just get over it or move on like so many people suggest. Some count the stages of grief but you can be stuck in one for a while. There is no “time heals all wounds”. This very thought brings me anxiety because I feel like a failure compared to the common standards that I should be dealing with grief better by now. Speaking with others who have lost loved ones, the void does not go away- you learn to live with it.

Grief is the cost of love. Anxiety is the companion of grief. Not enough discussions about grief leaves a feeling of isolation. Sadness and loneliness are a dangerous partnership. How can we handle the inevitable grief we all may experience in our lives? Writing is a form of therapy for me. Talking about it with loved ones also helps. Seeking therapy is okay and needed for the journey. Don’t assume your alone, there is power in knowledge. You can navigate grief better with proper guidance. The more discussions about grief, the better management of its companion. You can’t say I didn’t tell you about the complexity of grief induced anxiety.