Can I cry now?

Writing has been one of my outlets in my grief journey. There are days I want to do so much, write about everything, be there for everyone, celebrate every milestone with an obsessive feeling to take it all in for life is fleeting. Then there are days I do not want to get out of bed, cry my eyes out, be alone and just ride the waves of grief. Of course some days, the pendulum of grief swings evenly to each extreme. Truth be told everyone grieves differently. I am no exception. There is no right way to grieve but why is it that certain people want to forcefully train you to be sad according to their standards?

The silver lining I can identify in this journey is my core group of supporters. The ones grieving with me and the ones that may not understand but choose to remain here without judgement. For those I am eternally grateful. However the ones that criticize from afar about how I process grief still manage to get under my skin. These individuals run their mouth with limited perspective. A mix of extended family, acquaintances or pretend friends is their title. The gossip mill always has echoes and even if I try to block their toxicity, it still reaches my ears. I only pray the negativity they spread doesn’t harbor in my heart.

The issue with these individuals is that they are experts of the timeline of when I started crying to when I should stop. The dissection of our every move and decisions have become a tabloid for them. A commentary of why my sisters and I still celebrate birthdays, attend parties, go on vacations, or even smile with the passing of our beloved mother. Even if her passing was 8 months ago, a combination of it’s been a while and it feels like it just happened. Their talk is not helpful in any way or form. They obviously are measuring our grief and maybe their also collecting our tears to determine just how much we loved our mom.

It doesn’t just stop there, they have even gone further to criticize the deceased. Why is it that they think it’s acceptable to do this? Obviously if they have an issue, why bring it up when the person is no longer here? So much absurdity from grown folks. While I can just stamp this idle talk “void” and continue with my life, grief magnifies situations such as this. The need to guard and honor my mom’s legacy is stronger than ever. There is a Bible verse that resonates with me and I’ve applied it to this. “You will know them by their fruits.” Matthew 7:15-20. Who a person is will be reflected in their words and actions. It’s hard to just let words roll but I have seen how my mom’s fruits speak for her. How the life she lived still blesses me to this very day. It has also shown me how the fruits of others proves their intentions.

I used to be labeled “hardcore” for I rarely shed tears growing up. Life has its ways to shatter the walls built for protection. Loosing loved ones thaws out even the coldest of hearts. Loosing my mom has left me emotional and in touch to every ounce of sentiment available to the human capacity. I feel everything now. Words and feelings that before I could ignore now ignite within. I am no expert in grief but I have come to terms that it’s ok to have emotions and judging sadness is ridiculous. The process is different for everyone. Some can deal with it on their own and some require professional help. The common denominator is that we are missing a loved one and moving on is not as easy as it sounds. If you are not an aid to the healing you are contributing to the pain.

Grief is hard. I could say “I don’t wish this to no one” but that would be harsh. To not have grief, is to not have love; for grief is the price we pay to love. I wish everyone to experience a love so palpable that transcends space and mortality. We do not live forever so grief is inevitable. Either you pass and leave your love ones behind with grief or a love one passes and you’re the one that stays behind with grief. Grief is bound to happen, it’s just a matter of when. There will be days when you cry non stop. When memories crash down and paralyze you. There will be days when you find joy again even if it’s a glimpse. The joy comes with guilt, for you feel guilty to smile without your loved one. Yes, grief is complex. You never get over it, it becomes a part of you. What I do hope is that when that time for you to grieve comes that you can overcome the intensity of the void left behind. Don’t let the unsound judgement of others define you.

We can’t control how others think or act. We can only control our thoughts and our actions. Not to be preachy but another Bible verse comes to mind. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1-2. I chose to measure others with mercy for I want mercy towards me. Life is already hard to process with its many questions and unfair situations. I’m navigating through this as best possible even if with tears in my eyes. So can I cry now? No judgement needed.

You Are

You’re the thoughts as

I sit silently in the car

You’re the thoughts

As I wish on a falling star

You’re the tears that

Put me to bed at night

You’re the tears that

Wet my pages as I write

You’re the dreams that

Comfort my soul

You’re the dreams that

Push me to my goal

You’re the absence

Inside my heart

You’re the absence

Tearing me apart

You’re the faith ever

So strong

You’re the faith that

Steers me from wrong

You’re the smile on

My darkest days

You’re the smile that

Was taken away

No One Told Me

Life is hard. And it can be harder without a given notice. A fact that became more evident than ever after loosing my mom. I thought living without her was the only struggle to endure but no one told me about the anxiety. The aggressive disturbing grief induced anxiety that makes life even harder.

I know the circle of life process, (cue The Lion King soundtrack) we are born, we live…we die.

We all live to die as morbid as it sounds. To know everyone has an expiration date is quite concerning. Each day brings us closer to our end. While this is obvious, anxiety has made it a mission to remind me of this cruel fact consistently. I can’t “Hakuna Matata” this away.

Loosing my mom to a stupid virus that has caused so much division left me scarred. Till this day I get annoyed about the silly disagreements on vaccines, masks and mandates. I desperately need this pandemic to conclude because it has taken too much already. It took my mom and it took my patience. I have anxiety every time I hear people question if the virus is real or if they should take precautions. I have to bite my lip so I don’t explode in anger at times. I have a different perspective due to my trauma of seeing my mom’s life cut short.

I have anxiety about health. What used to be a healthy concern now is a fixated obsession to monitor my mortality and of my loved ones. Check every mole, drink herbal concoctions, eat more veggies and worry about all the what ifs. Feeling anxious about doctors, hospitals and sickness even if it’s the common cold. Paranoia about the health care industry motives and severe trust issues with medicine. Health anxiety leaves me in tears some days just thinking about the possibility of my family’s grief due to loosing another member.

Anxiety lurks greater in the evening for me. Not only stressing about every minute detail of my life but it plays the very traumatic reel of my mom’s final days. All the uncertainties and the fears of those days magnified. My heart beats loudly and the air slowly gets sucked out of the room. I feel heaviness on me that can’t be easily shaken. I cry and feel a desperation to just hug my mom. This robs me of peace and sleep. Insomnia sucks for it creates a cycle of more stress. At times I have to take meds to help me relax and sleep, nobody told me about this.

The times I do allow myself to live, to laugh, to pursue life long dreams and dare I say just be happy again are also tainted with anxiety. A guilty anxiety that reminds me that I shouldn’t be happy because I’m betraying my grief. How could I even laugh when I’m missing someone so vital in my life?!? I should be mourning her memory. I should be respectful and not even think of going to a party or enjoy vacations.

Anxiety is cruel for it punishes you even when you find reasons to smile. I didn’t know this before.

Grief is not a destination, it’s a journey. I’ve learned this in the last 5 months. I can’t just get over it or move on like so many people suggest. Some count the stages of grief but you can be stuck in one for a while. There is no “time heals all wounds”. This very thought brings me anxiety because I feel like a failure compared to the common standards that I should be dealing with grief better by now. Speaking with others who have lost loved ones, the void does not go away- you learn to live with it.

Grief is the cost of love. Anxiety is the companion of grief. Not enough discussions about grief leaves a feeling of isolation. Sadness and loneliness are a dangerous partnership. How can we handle the inevitable grief we all may experience in our lives? Writing is a form of therapy for me. Talking about it with loved ones also helps. Seeking therapy is okay and needed for the journey. Don’t assume your alone, there is power in knowledge. You can navigate grief better with proper guidance. The more discussions about grief, the better management of its companion. You can’t say I didn’t tell you about the complexity of grief induced anxiety.